Let's plan your brighter future!
We start by documenting your goals and then compare them to your current portfolio. We take those goals, lay them on our mahogany desks, and take a shit on them. We then burn the desk and your goals (and our shit). We can buy another big ass desk because we are rich and you are not (yet).
Do you want to make a fuck load of money? Do you like memes and gifs of lady's bums? Have you ever seen Summer Heights High? Well if you haven't you will see the same video clip every day. Why? Because we only pick you party girls. Party girls with bad habits, bad habits for drugs.
If you don't understand any of this but are remotely intrigued we are your perfect fit. You're retarded and we want to make you retarded money.
We are passionate about helping both companies and individuals with diversifying portfolios, managing assets, analyzing market trends, and reducing financial risk. My goal? To safeguard the dreams you strived to achieve and the assets you have worked so hard to accumulate. I use proven investment strategies designed to meet your risk tolerance and hedge against market volatility.
If you think that sounds good then get the fuck out of here. We will pay for your Uber to the nearest Macy's to go buy a pair of pleated pants. After that (another free Uber) go to Charles Schwab where you can talk about bonds, mutual funds, and shit like that.
We build your portfolio with analysis from guys from Maine who ask us if we like "10 baggers". Do you like 10 baggers? (insert Dr. Steve Bruel gif) You like 10 baggers
Your future? Do you want a BMW X5 that plugs into your fucking house? Well buy two of them you retard you're going to be rich
10 years of actual professional financial experience between the 11 of us. I learned about options yesterday and bought a cell phone company (not apple you boomer). We buy stocks, they grow by 300%, and send you rocket emojis. We have fees but the memes are free.
Send me a message, and tell me more about your financial goals and needs. I will get back to you soon to schedule a consultation.
Monday - Friday: 9am - 5pm
Saturday: By appointment